Sleeping Beauty

Ok well maybe I lied about the beauty bit, but this morning when I woke up I felt like I'd hit a brick wall. Usually the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to weigh myself. This morning however turned into this afternoon. I finally dragged myself out of bed and staggered to the scales. 9stone 8. To be honest I was disappointed with that - yesterday I had walked for 5 miles and cycled on the exercise bike for 50 mins. I had a couple of pieces of chicken, some baby tomatoes and a yellow pepper...I was hoping the scales would be kind to me. I just have no energy today. The thought of going back on the bike makes me want to crawl back into bed.

As part of yestedays 5 mile walk, I decided to hit the sales and go clothes shopping. My current clothes are far too big for me and needs updating. I picked up a pair of size 10 trousers & muscled my way to the changing rooms. They were depressingly snug - not too tight but not as loose as I hoped they would be. I pulled them off then checked the hanger again, then I checked the label. The label said size 8. My heart skipped a couple of beats and I stood & glared at my huge reflection. 'OMG' my inner voice screamed...'It must be a fluke - try them again - see if they still fit'. They did still fit however they were too short. Elated, I floated out of the changing room & phoned my mum to share the good news.

My new found joy didn't last for long. "I hope you didnt buy them" she asked with an undertone of sarcasm..."Well no I didnt - but only because..." She interupted me at this point and said "Good because theres nothing worse than seeing a person trying to squeeze into clothes that are too small for them".

The same familiar lump began to rise in my throat - Mum has always been ruthlessly honest and never sugar coats her opinion. "Do these jeans make me look fat?" I once asked..just needing the reassurance that I looked ok. "No" she said "it's your fat that makes you look fat - I think it's unfair of you to blame the jeans".

No wonder I turned out how I did then! She used to be chubby herself but is now super skinny. She wont let my Dad eat biscuits in case he puts weight on (he's 5ft10 and weighs just under 11 stone - hardly a porker!)...my brother has always been skinny & loves to flaunt the fact that he can eat whatever he likes and not get fat. Then there's me.

Short, dumpy, no waist to speak of and average looks. Even if I had been born 1st it's unlikely I would have been a model! Mum always loves to point out when I'm getting fat but hates it when I try to lose it. She has tried to sabotage this attempt but hey...I'm 27 now. She knows if she pushes me too far then I'll move out...then she wont be able to count all the meals I miss. She lectures me about healthy eating (trust me Mum I know more than you think I do) and then she'll turn round and say "I forgot to eat dinner today - I was too busy..."

Now...ok sometimes I forget my phone or my keys. Never have I forgotten to eat when I'm hungry. It really does take a special kind of stupid to forget about that knawing feeling in your stomach.

Only now, I dont get hungry anymore.