Today I stood on the scales, gasped, blinked then jumped off before the numbers could change.
132.6 the scales said. Omigod! I thought...this is the lightest I've been for many years. Probably the lightest I've been for a decade! I know I've still got a long way to go but I've been worried about my weight loss hitting a plateau. At least seeing results on the scale is helping to keep me motivated on the exercise bike. I have been aiming to burn around 500cals per evening, but this week I've increased it to 700 cals. Seems to be working!
Wednesday 22 July 2009
Monday 20 July 2009
Insomni-arghhhhhhhhh!
Gah! I knew it was inevitable that I would have difficulty getting to sleep last night after my extended snooze-in yesterday.
As well as disordered eating, obsessive tendancies and an addictive personality I also have insomnia to contend with. I've been taking over the counter sleeping tablets every Sunday to kick start my dysfunctional brain into sleeping. For some reason best known to myself, last night I decided I could sleep without taking it.
Well...I managed to roll over so many times that not only did I untuck my sheet, I also managed to get the sheet wrapped round me 3 times. Around 2am-ish I untangled myself and looked at the clock. Big mistake! If you ever have insomnia the 1st golden rule is dont look at the clock.
I rearranged the sheets & pillows and settled down again...my brain teetered on the edge of sleep and then without warning it fired a shot of adrenaline through me. Nothing new there then only this time it was mixed with an old feeling of complete dispair.
Heart pounding I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling - where the fudge had that forgotten feeling come from? It was a horrid feeling of having no control over anything. I climbed out of bed again and weighed myself. The red digits burned themselves into my tired eyes - 134.4 - 'well thats ok' I said...'now ffs brain go to sleep!'
*********************************************************
I feel I was a bit harsh about Mum in my last post - just to make it clear I do love her & most of the time we're friends. I just wish she could be a bit more like N's mum. I couldn't wish for a better mother inlaw - she never questions my eating habits...would never dream of forcing me to anything I didnt want to...doesn't feel for my ribs when she hugs me (yes mum I am of course referring to you)...and when I'm really not that hungry she often eats what I do (even if it is a bowl of jelly) just so things aren't awkward at the dinner table.
Oh well, I'm off to do another stint on the bike. Hopefully I'll sleep a bit better tonight!!
As well as disordered eating, obsessive tendancies and an addictive personality I also have insomnia to contend with. I've been taking over the counter sleeping tablets every Sunday to kick start my dysfunctional brain into sleeping. For some reason best known to myself, last night I decided I could sleep without taking it.
Well...I managed to roll over so many times that not only did I untuck my sheet, I also managed to get the sheet wrapped round me 3 times. Around 2am-ish I untangled myself and looked at the clock. Big mistake! If you ever have insomnia the 1st golden rule is dont look at the clock.
I rearranged the sheets & pillows and settled down again...my brain teetered on the edge of sleep and then without warning it fired a shot of adrenaline through me. Nothing new there then only this time it was mixed with an old feeling of complete dispair.
Heart pounding I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling - where the fudge had that forgotten feeling come from? It was a horrid feeling of having no control over anything. I climbed out of bed again and weighed myself. The red digits burned themselves into my tired eyes - 134.4 - 'well thats ok' I said...'now ffs brain go to sleep!'
*********************************************************
I feel I was a bit harsh about Mum in my last post - just to make it clear I do love her & most of the time we're friends. I just wish she could be a bit more like N's mum. I couldn't wish for a better mother inlaw - she never questions my eating habits...would never dream of forcing me to anything I didnt want to...doesn't feel for my ribs when she hugs me (yes mum I am of course referring to you)...and when I'm really not that hungry she often eats what I do (even if it is a bowl of jelly) just so things aren't awkward at the dinner table.
Oh well, I'm off to do another stint on the bike. Hopefully I'll sleep a bit better tonight!!
Sunday 19 July 2009
Sleeping Beauty
Ok well maybe I lied about the beauty bit, but this morning when I woke up I felt like I'd hit a brick wall. Usually the only reason I get out of bed in the morning is to weigh myself. This morning however turned into this afternoon. I finally dragged myself out of bed and staggered to the scales. 9stone 8. To be honest I was disappointed with that - yesterday I had walked for 5 miles and cycled on the exercise bike for 50 mins. I had a couple of pieces of chicken, some baby tomatoes and a yellow pepper...I was hoping the scales would be kind to me. I just have no energy today. The thought of going back on the bike makes me want to crawl back into bed.
As part of yestedays 5 mile walk, I decided to hit the sales and go clothes shopping. My current clothes are far too big for me and needs updating. I picked up a pair of size 10 trousers & muscled my way to the changing rooms. They were depressingly snug - not too tight but not as loose as I hoped they would be. I pulled them off then checked the hanger again, then I checked the label. The label said size 8. My heart skipped a couple of beats and I stood & glared at my huge reflection. 'OMG' my inner voice screamed...'It must be a fluke - try them again - see if they still fit'. They did still fit however they were too short. Elated, I floated out of the changing room & phoned my mum to share the good news.
My new found joy didn't last for long. "I hope you didnt buy them" she asked with an undertone of sarcasm..."Well no I didnt - but only because..." She interupted me at this point and said "Good because theres nothing worse than seeing a person trying to squeeze into clothes that are too small for them".
The same familiar lump began to rise in my throat - Mum has always been ruthlessly honest and never sugar coats her opinion. "Do these jeans make me look fat?" I once asked..just needing the reassurance that I looked ok. "No" she said "it's your fat that makes you look fat - I think it's unfair of you to blame the jeans".
No wonder I turned out how I did then! She used to be chubby herself but is now super skinny. She wont let my Dad eat biscuits in case he puts weight on (he's 5ft10 and weighs just under 11 stone - hardly a porker!)...my brother has always been skinny & loves to flaunt the fact that he can eat whatever he likes and not get fat. Then there's me.
Short, dumpy, no waist to speak of and average looks. Even if I had been born 1st it's unlikely I would have been a model! Mum always loves to point out when I'm getting fat but hates it when I try to lose it. She has tried to sabotage this attempt but hey...I'm 27 now. She knows if she pushes me too far then I'll move out...then she wont be able to count all the meals I miss. She lectures me about healthy eating (trust me Mum I know more than you think I do) and then she'll turn round and say "I forgot to eat dinner today - I was too busy..."
Now...ok sometimes I forget my phone or my keys. Never have I forgotten to eat when I'm hungry. It really does take a special kind of stupid to forget about that knawing feeling in your stomach.
Only now, I dont get hungry anymore.
As part of yestedays 5 mile walk, I decided to hit the sales and go clothes shopping. My current clothes are far too big for me and needs updating. I picked up a pair of size 10 trousers & muscled my way to the changing rooms. They were depressingly snug - not too tight but not as loose as I hoped they would be. I pulled them off then checked the hanger again, then I checked the label. The label said size 8. My heart skipped a couple of beats and I stood & glared at my huge reflection. 'OMG' my inner voice screamed...'It must be a fluke - try them again - see if they still fit'. They did still fit however they were too short. Elated, I floated out of the changing room & phoned my mum to share the good news.
My new found joy didn't last for long. "I hope you didnt buy them" she asked with an undertone of sarcasm..."Well no I didnt - but only because..." She interupted me at this point and said "Good because theres nothing worse than seeing a person trying to squeeze into clothes that are too small for them".
The same familiar lump began to rise in my throat - Mum has always been ruthlessly honest and never sugar coats her opinion. "Do these jeans make me look fat?" I once asked..just needing the reassurance that I looked ok. "No" she said "it's your fat that makes you look fat - I think it's unfair of you to blame the jeans".
No wonder I turned out how I did then! She used to be chubby herself but is now super skinny. She wont let my Dad eat biscuits in case he puts weight on (he's 5ft10 and weighs just under 11 stone - hardly a porker!)...my brother has always been skinny & loves to flaunt the fact that he can eat whatever he likes and not get fat. Then there's me.
Short, dumpy, no waist to speak of and average looks. Even if I had been born 1st it's unlikely I would have been a model! Mum always loves to point out when I'm getting fat but hates it when I try to lose it. She has tried to sabotage this attempt but hey...I'm 27 now. She knows if she pushes me too far then I'll move out...then she wont be able to count all the meals I miss. She lectures me about healthy eating (trust me Mum I know more than you think I do) and then she'll turn round and say "I forgot to eat dinner today - I was too busy..."
Now...ok sometimes I forget my phone or my keys. Never have I forgotten to eat when I'm hungry. It really does take a special kind of stupid to forget about that knawing feeling in your stomach.
Only now, I dont get hungry anymore.
Saturday 18 July 2009
Introduction to the real me..
I guess you're wondering what with all the other pro-ED blogs there are why I would want to go and create my own. The answer is because I've got too many thoughts whizzing round my tired brain & I need an outlet.
For as long as I can remember I've had an obsessive personality. Looking back through photos I realise I wasn't particularly fat as a child. However when I got to 11 I piled weight on. I started to notice when I was 12 that I wasn't as skinny as my friends...the pivotal moment came when I was on holiday and as a holiday *treat* I was given £10. I bought several ice-creams, some candy floss, doughnuts, a huge bar of chocolate, a couple of rounds on "bash the crab" and then my eyes fell on a book called "Please Dont Go" by Katherine Appleby. The book focused on 2 girls - one who was bulimic and one who was anorexic. I was mesmorised by it - the book had all the answers to questions I hadn't even thought of. Without even realising it I had set off down a very lonely road.
I've never really referred to myself as bulimic. Although I binged and purged I felt that because I hadnt been diagnosed with it that it didnt apply to me. I spent my early teens pre-occupied with food. Eating it, throwing it up, the calorific content - ironically food consumed me. It wasnt really until I was 13 that I was regularly purging. I had tried a few times with no success. But as it became even easier it became my safety net. I would happily eat meals with my parents - they were totally unaware that I had become a pro at making myelf sick.
At 14 I felt that enough was enough. I marked my diary with a F:S symbol - meaning food strike. I stopped eating for a few months...my parents started to get suspicious so I started eating (and throwing up) meals again.
By the age of 16 my best friend caught on to what I was up to. She dragged me along to a counsellor. To be fair I did need someone to talk to - however all it did was show me how utterly screwed up my head was. I left the counselling after 3 months...still determined to be thin, pretty and popular.
When I left for uni I decided to make a break from making myself sick. I lost a couple of stone and survived on 1 bowl of veg soup per day. My extreme diet probably accounted for me just scraping a pass. Unlike most anorexics I'm not a perfectionist. I'm not thick by any means but I was so tired all the time I had no energy for studying. Two years later I cut sugar completely out of my life. For someone who could eat a family sized bar of chocolate, a pint of ice cream, 4 doughnuts, half a trifle and 6 pancakes in one sitting, it was a major acomplishment.
I let the obsessive side of me take over. I transferred one addiction to another. I lasted from 01/01/2003 to 18/02/2007 without letting one grain of sugar pass my lips. In the summer of 2004 after I left uni I exercised excessively. One day I calculated that I eaten 213 calories...and burnt 2654. Eventually my right ankle became inflamed & the weight soon piled back on.
I started 'proper' work in the autumn of 2004 (I'd always had a saturday job since I was 17). By now I was drinking about 30 shots of vodka a week (although thats another blog in itself!) and I was stressed out. I stopped eating and my clothes got looser.
Fast forward 3 years to 2007. I had changed jobs and been dumped 3 days after my birthday. A month after being dumped I didnt see any point in trying to be thin. What was the use when no one could put up with me for more than 5 months? I turned to chocolate for comfort...and my weight soared to 12 stone. On my 5ft 6 frame I was clearly too heavy but I had been in complete denial about it...it was only when I went for a repeat pill prescription that I realised I had to do something. The nurse said "could you pop on the scales for me?"...I shifted uncomfortably..." er do I have to?" I retorted. She gave me the look...I sighed & said "ok but please dont tell me how much I weigh - I know I've put weight on".
"Gosh" she exclaimed..."you're right! You've put on 10 pounds!"...Now I might look stupid but I could do the maths. I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home...triggered into action I resolved to lose the ten pounds and 20 more by the next weigh in. This event also co-incided with meeting my current boyfriend (who I will call N)...I lost about a stone but managed to put it back on (again!). As I was shovelling my 3rd waffle with maple syrup and icecream into my mouth on 20/04/2008 I was suddenly hit by an overwhelming feeling of nausea. I knew it wasnt the vanilla ice cream or the syrup - it was the sudden realisation that I was getting huge.
I embarked on yet another diet. Shredded wheat for breakfast, prawn salad for dinner and WW soup for tea. The exercise bike followed in July and steadily the weight came off...in 4 months I had lost a stone and a half. My weight stayed around the 10 and a half stone mark - I was quite amazed that I was able to control the obsessional part of me who kept telling me that if I did an extra 15 mins on the bike I'd lose more weight.
Christmas came and went...I left my weigh in until after my birthday. 10 stone 6 - I whooped with glee as I jumped off the scales! Slowly my weight creeped up to 11 stone. Then at the begining of May my world came crashing down. I found out that N had cheated on me and after an hysterical fit of sobbing I threw up and didn't eat for the rest of the day.
We are still together - he is extremely remorseful for what he's done and I love him more than anything. But he has triggered my disordered brain. I know its unfair of me to blame him but I couldnt face eating. Within less than a month the weight had fallen off...in the 1st week alone the scales showed half a stone lost (I know most of this was water weight btw!). I had work exams at the beginning of June so my work colleagues barely saw me for about 4 weeks. When I came back I was 9stone 11. Three people commented in 1 day about my weight loss. I blamed the weight loss on my exam stress. I was lying bare faced of course - how do you say 'I'm starving because I'm heart broken'?
Me and N have agreed not to discuss his infidelity - well actually he's said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants me to get over it. Ok then...I wont talk about it. I'll let you slowly watch me starve myself to death darling. Who in their right mind would rather be heart broken than hungry?
I'm now down to 9st 7..I weigh myself daily. Appealing to my obsessive tendancies I keep a diary of my weight on excel (I've also found out how to make a graph woo!)...it helps when the scales arent my friend if I can tell myself that my weight will naturally fluctuate!
And hey - the scales dont lie ;o)
For as long as I can remember I've had an obsessive personality. Looking back through photos I realise I wasn't particularly fat as a child. However when I got to 11 I piled weight on. I started to notice when I was 12 that I wasn't as skinny as my friends...the pivotal moment came when I was on holiday and as a holiday *treat* I was given £10. I bought several ice-creams, some candy floss, doughnuts, a huge bar of chocolate, a couple of rounds on "bash the crab" and then my eyes fell on a book called "Please Dont Go" by Katherine Appleby. The book focused on 2 girls - one who was bulimic and one who was anorexic. I was mesmorised by it - the book had all the answers to questions I hadn't even thought of. Without even realising it I had set off down a very lonely road.
I've never really referred to myself as bulimic. Although I binged and purged I felt that because I hadnt been diagnosed with it that it didnt apply to me. I spent my early teens pre-occupied with food. Eating it, throwing it up, the calorific content - ironically food consumed me. It wasnt really until I was 13 that I was regularly purging. I had tried a few times with no success. But as it became even easier it became my safety net. I would happily eat meals with my parents - they were totally unaware that I had become a pro at making myelf sick.
At 14 I felt that enough was enough. I marked my diary with a F:S symbol - meaning food strike. I stopped eating for a few months...my parents started to get suspicious so I started eating (and throwing up) meals again.
By the age of 16 my best friend caught on to what I was up to. She dragged me along to a counsellor. To be fair I did need someone to talk to - however all it did was show me how utterly screwed up my head was. I left the counselling after 3 months...still determined to be thin, pretty and popular.
When I left for uni I decided to make a break from making myself sick. I lost a couple of stone and survived on 1 bowl of veg soup per day. My extreme diet probably accounted for me just scraping a pass. Unlike most anorexics I'm not a perfectionist. I'm not thick by any means but I was so tired all the time I had no energy for studying. Two years later I cut sugar completely out of my life. For someone who could eat a family sized bar of chocolate, a pint of ice cream, 4 doughnuts, half a trifle and 6 pancakes in one sitting, it was a major acomplishment.
I let the obsessive side of me take over. I transferred one addiction to another. I lasted from 01/01/2003 to 18/02/2007 without letting one grain of sugar pass my lips. In the summer of 2004 after I left uni I exercised excessively. One day I calculated that I eaten 213 calories...and burnt 2654. Eventually my right ankle became inflamed & the weight soon piled back on.
I started 'proper' work in the autumn of 2004 (I'd always had a saturday job since I was 17). By now I was drinking about 30 shots of vodka a week (although thats another blog in itself!) and I was stressed out. I stopped eating and my clothes got looser.
Fast forward 3 years to 2007. I had changed jobs and been dumped 3 days after my birthday. A month after being dumped I didnt see any point in trying to be thin. What was the use when no one could put up with me for more than 5 months? I turned to chocolate for comfort...and my weight soared to 12 stone. On my 5ft 6 frame I was clearly too heavy but I had been in complete denial about it...it was only when I went for a repeat pill prescription that I realised I had to do something. The nurse said "could you pop on the scales for me?"...I shifted uncomfortably..." er do I have to?" I retorted. She gave me the look...I sighed & said "ok but please dont tell me how much I weigh - I know I've put weight on".
"Gosh" she exclaimed..."you're right! You've put on 10 pounds!"...Now I might look stupid but I could do the maths. I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home...triggered into action I resolved to lose the ten pounds and 20 more by the next weigh in. This event also co-incided with meeting my current boyfriend (who I will call N)...I lost about a stone but managed to put it back on (again!). As I was shovelling my 3rd waffle with maple syrup and icecream into my mouth on 20/04/2008 I was suddenly hit by an overwhelming feeling of nausea. I knew it wasnt the vanilla ice cream or the syrup - it was the sudden realisation that I was getting huge.
I embarked on yet another diet. Shredded wheat for breakfast, prawn salad for dinner and WW soup for tea. The exercise bike followed in July and steadily the weight came off...in 4 months I had lost a stone and a half. My weight stayed around the 10 and a half stone mark - I was quite amazed that I was able to control the obsessional part of me who kept telling me that if I did an extra 15 mins on the bike I'd lose more weight.
Christmas came and went...I left my weigh in until after my birthday. 10 stone 6 - I whooped with glee as I jumped off the scales! Slowly my weight creeped up to 11 stone. Then at the begining of May my world came crashing down. I found out that N had cheated on me and after an hysterical fit of sobbing I threw up and didn't eat for the rest of the day.
We are still together - he is extremely remorseful for what he's done and I love him more than anything. But he has triggered my disordered brain. I know its unfair of me to blame him but I couldnt face eating. Within less than a month the weight had fallen off...in the 1st week alone the scales showed half a stone lost (I know most of this was water weight btw!). I had work exams at the beginning of June so my work colleagues barely saw me for about 4 weeks. When I came back I was 9stone 11. Three people commented in 1 day about my weight loss. I blamed the weight loss on my exam stress. I was lying bare faced of course - how do you say 'I'm starving because I'm heart broken'?
Me and N have agreed not to discuss his infidelity - well actually he's said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants me to get over it. Ok then...I wont talk about it. I'll let you slowly watch me starve myself to death darling. Who in their right mind would rather be heart broken than hungry?
I'm now down to 9st 7..I weigh myself daily. Appealing to my obsessive tendancies I keep a diary of my weight on excel (I've also found out how to make a graph woo!)...it helps when the scales arent my friend if I can tell myself that my weight will naturally fluctuate!
And hey - the scales dont lie ;o)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)