Gah! I knew it was inevitable that I would have difficulty getting to sleep last night after my extended snooze-in yesterday.
As well as disordered eating, obsessive tendancies and an addictive personality I also have insomnia to contend with. I've been taking over the counter sleeping tablets every Sunday to kick start my dysfunctional brain into sleeping. For some reason best known to myself, last night I decided I could sleep without taking it.
Well...I managed to roll over so many times that not only did I untuck my sheet, I also managed to get the sheet wrapped round me 3 times. Around 2am-ish I untangled myself and looked at the clock. Big mistake! If you ever have insomnia the 1st golden rule is dont look at the clock.
I rearranged the sheets & pillows and settled down again...my brain teetered on the edge of sleep and then without warning it fired a shot of adrenaline through me. Nothing new there then only this time it was mixed with an old feeling of complete dispair.
Heart pounding I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling - where the fudge had that forgotten feeling come from? It was a horrid feeling of having no control over anything. I climbed out of bed again and weighed myself. The red digits burned themselves into my tired eyes - 134.4 - 'well thats ok' I said...'now ffs brain go to sleep!'
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I feel I was a bit harsh about Mum in my last post - just to make it clear I do love her & most of the time we're friends. I just wish she could be a bit more like N's mum. I couldn't wish for a better mother inlaw - she never questions my eating habits...would never dream of forcing me to anything I didnt want to...doesn't feel for my ribs when she hugs me (yes mum I am of course referring to you)...and when I'm really not that hungry she often eats what I do (even if it is a bowl of jelly) just so things aren't awkward at the dinner table.
Oh well, I'm off to do another stint on the bike. Hopefully I'll sleep a bit better tonight!!
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